I’m writing this on here because… well… this doesn’t have anything to do with this particular blog, but I can’t seem to find anywhere else in my life where it fits.
I am overwhelmed with so many things: incredible, joyous, challenging, frightening, frustrating, and a rainbow of emotions that capture me all at once, all the time. I feel like an utter mess in every sense of the form.
Physically- There’s a pile of dishes that need washing and a pile of laundry that needs doing. Floors need to be swept and mopped, doors need to be duct taped down so the bugs don’t get in, fridge needs to be cleaned, shelves need to be re-arranged and given a once-over with a good sponge. I’m out of honey, flour, and eggs, which seem to be key things in my usual diet, but I have no money- that would require going to the bank. Projects I’ve been meaning to finish for months lay around like loose ends- leggings that need to be mended, necklaces that need to be polished, artwork on three of my walls that I haven’t finished and have no plan to do in the immediate future.
Mentally- I’m all over the place. My thoughts jump around to what will I possibly to after the Peace Corps, to what my life will be like in 10 years, to sudden urgent reminders of things I need to do tomorrow. I have two projects with organizations outside of the Peace Corps I’m working on, as well as a heavy project in the Peace Corps right now that I keep pushing off to the next day since it requires so much mental effort and clarity. Rulers and markers and papers are strewn all about; piles of work lay untouched on my book shelf. I haven’t cracked open a GMAT book in weeks. My sleep patterns are completely erratic: in the last two days I’ve gotten 10 hours of sleep out of the recommend 16, yet I know I won’t be able to fall asleep until 2 AM tonight, only to wake up at 10 AM tomorrow and feel guilty for letting my community down by not being Paraguayan, since everyone else gets up at 6 AM. My desktop on my computer is so full of screenshots, papers, or documents that it covers the entire screen.
I do little projects around the house to give myself the illusion that this mountain is becoming less. I carry dishes outside to my sink, or put away two pairs of pants lying on the floor. I suddenly remember that I haven’t updated my blog in two weeks and spend an hour writing whatever’s on the top of my mind, only to not post it. I call my sister who I haven’t spoken to in a month and have an hour long conversation with her. I realize I haven’t eaten anything since lunch, it’s 9 PM, and that any nutritious food would take me 1+ hour to make- so I resort to cooking a cheese grits package my Mom sent me for my birthday, and eat it for dinner at 10 PM. I paint chalkboard paint on my spice jars. Procrastinating by actually doing things I would do if I had the time, which I don’t.
I’m driven by so much passion, excitement, curiosity, desire to DO everything, yet have it all neatly done. I’m wildly exhausted by a combination of happiness and frustration, with small doses of joy and despair. My life feels like it’s spinning out of control in the right way, the wrong way. I strategize ways to make the mountain of things-to-be-done disappear- but what if I do accomplish all of these things?
Well, then I’ll be downright bored.
The day in the life of a Peace Corps Volunteer.